i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize