Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
