Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
