his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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