BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
