when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
