I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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