I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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