i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
