So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
