alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
