My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Send help, water and tortillas.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
