Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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