i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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