There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
