i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
