found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
