listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Randomize
