Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
