He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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