You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize