She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
