I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
