just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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