Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
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