very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
