It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
