This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
