Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
