Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
love makes seman taste better
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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