God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
