I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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