her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
