Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Let the clothes fall where they may.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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