Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
