My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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