You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
