I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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