Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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