this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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