There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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