He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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