i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
