I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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