Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I have tasted many bathrooms
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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