When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
