I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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