He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
