evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
did i walk over a car last night?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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