I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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