I wish I could teleport
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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