remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
