did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
