My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
