saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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