dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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