Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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