Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Randomize
