sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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