I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
