You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
